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We lived in a renovated house next to the church, had 2 wonderful children, 2 dogs, and 2 cars. My wife was a nurse. I was the pastor that everyone in the town wanted to hear. We were living a wonderful life…and I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t know it but I was suffering from a pretty severe depression and anxiety disorder. Nothing seemed straight in my mind. I started having panic attacks when the phone would ring or someone would knock on the door because I didn’t know who trying to reach me or what they wanted to talk about. Despite the struggle, I kept all this locked inside. I was a new pastor and I’d heard that ministry was difficult so I was going to suck it up and push through. As the thoughts continued I began to feel like I was defective and too weak to do this job because I constantly felt overwhelmed and afraid. There didn’t seem to be anything to be afraid of. People certainly had more difficult lives that I did so what was wrong? I must be defective. I continued to hold this in, thinking that my wife, my family, and my friends would be ashamed of me or, worse, would agree with me that I was too weak. I became more and more isolated. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I was ashamed of myself and no one knew it. The isolation was like a warm blanket that was strangling me. It was both comforting and terrible. I understand that it may not make sense, but that’s the thing about these scenarios, they don’t have to make sense to be real. And dangerous. It wasn’t until I had decided that everyone was better off without me and decided that suicide was the best option that I finally decided to shared what was going on in my heart and in my head. After months of suffering, I had people that poured out their love and support directly into what had been so difficult in my heart. They had loved me that whole time, but I kept them at a distance either physically or emotionally. Usually both. It took several years for me to be willing to talk about what happened because I felt like a failed pastor, and maybe a failed Christian. I was far from the truth and God began to call me to share my story to let others know they weren’t alone. 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